Drama School Diaries Part Four

6 Nov
Sometimes…

it’s better to pretend everything’s okay.
That’s why I like facebook…because I can sit here bawlin’ my eyes out and at the same time make jokes on someone’s wall

Sometimes….

it’s better to refuse the help… because i have to go this moment alone.

Sometimes…
it’s better not to tell the ones you love that they’ve forgotten you, because it sounds all egotistical and vain and it’s hard to find the line between that and mistreating yourself.

Sometimes…
I cry and watch something funny on TV to try and stop the tears…it works sometimes.

So, as you can see, this week hasn’t been so super…it’s been exhausting, tiring, challenging and frustrating. But it’s okay, because the hard parts are what will keep me here…this place is hard…

Not so much the physical doing things…it’s the mental side, it’s highlighting out all my defense mechanisms…the ones I made for myself in the playground of Bishop Challoner Catholic Collegiate Girls Campus…the sarcasm and rude attitude that I formed to make myself appear strong…it’s bringing them back; dangling them in my face; and laughing at how weak they really are…and have always been.

It’s telling me to tear away all the flesh I’ve added to myself and find my core…my true strength…kinda like finding and knowing God minus all your cool christian friends, study groups and cool funky music.

It’s hard…I’m also finding it hard being a Christian here, not because ‘oo I’m scared I’m gonna slip’ but because when I stand for what I believe in, it may come across defensive…and it’s kinda like…unavoidable.
And i mean…this is not just with faith…it’s also with my knowledge of history…they talk about the glory of the British Empire and the sadness of WW1 and 2…I think about Slavery and the blessed curse of Colonisation.

Sometimes it feels like I’m on a different page to everyone else…but everyone feels like that so what’s the difference?

I mean…being the black girl is not a big deal…but what is irritating is when people go on like race doesnt matter…that’s purposed ignorance. That would be denying a whole lot of stuff that I am not going to let anyone deny…but for me to say ‘well..it does matter’ I think would cause outrage in some people’s pretty beating hearts. So I’ll stay quiet lol.

For now.

Only me would go and facebook this stuff.

Love ya…pray for me

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