After Oraclez.

31 May

Time: 22.19pm

Action: To stop myself from crying

Intention: To write.

I’ve been sitting here crying for the last 2 hours or so, and I’ve been trying to figure out why…I’d just gotten back from Oraclez in Wembley Arena, and although my set went well, and people really loved it, I didn’t like it very much.

I really stuck out like a sore darn thumb in that line up, and I was trying to figure out why.  Is it because I’m a poet? Maybe…is it because I speak and perform in my own accent? Perhaps…is it because I’m young? Is it because I’m the only person on the line up without “weavalicious” hair? Ya never know. All I know…is that I stuck out.

So…the crowd was live, whenever someone said ‘MAKE SOME (meaningless-give-me-a-sense-of-security-and-popularity) NOISE!!!’ they were more than happy to blow the roof off, my sis and loads of my mates were in the audience and I closed my eyes and tried to make out their individual voices…I heard the audience had been queuing for hours so I rated them for being so joyous when they came in.

I got on stage, people were cheering and I could tell that a nice percentage were already familiar with my work…I begin…as I start speaking ‘I want the kinda love’ I realise I’m not sensing the same thing I sense when I’m usually reciting it…I keep going, people in Wembley Arena begin to wave their hands in agreement, I heard some of those classic ‘mmm’/’yeezzz’ sounds that I love so much…but I realise that I’m not happy to be here.

I comprehend that I’m not meant to be here…I suddenly become aware of how horrible I findthe whole thing, I look out trying to connect with someone and the venue is so big I can’t see a thing; all that stares back at me is this weird black misty sheet of shadowy smoke interrupted by sharp white rays of artificial light

artificial light

the light was artificial.

I could hear everything…but I could see nothing…the only comfort I occassionally got was by looking deep into the first row and trying to find someone’s eyes, anyones eyes so I could assure myself that I wasn’t doing this for no reason. The second piece I did was ‘Wade’ with my team of 7 vocalists, they harmonised beautifully, and once again the audience received it with love and warmth, they were new to the sound yet they were willing to adjust to this off-the-skilter remix of an old negro spiritual. I had contemplated doing another earlier that day, but knew that wasn’t an option anymore…something was going on inside me; I just wanted to get off.

Why? Why Michaela? Do you know how privileged you are? You performed at Oraclez at Wembley Arena! Don’t be so stupid Michaela!

I’m not being stupid. I didn’t belong there, I’ve worked so hard for the last 4 years to separate myself from this over-americanised form of christianity, this over-cultured ‘church’  that managed to saturate faith so much that faith became 100% diluted and thus ceased to exist without half the Body realising…I’ve intentionally made people know that I AM DETACHED FROM THAT…yet there I was at a concert dedicated to that very ideal. And while, what seemed like the whole universe happily performed, listened, organised, took and returned tickets, served food, did make-up, cleaned toilets in Wembley Arena, I was on my knees begging for some blessed truth.

After gracing that stage I’ve come home feeling like I’ve abused myself, and I think that’s why I’m crying, my spirit-man didn’t like what I was doing (or where I was doing it, or the framework I was doing it in), and I have done myself wrong.

But it was a gospel event Michaela! How dare you write this!

Listen…I’m an artist right? And, relatively, I’ve been doing this for a while right? But what I don’t do…is DIVA. I’ve made sure that from the GET-GO my attitude with everyone I met, from kitchen staff to stage management, was with the light, love and smile of Christ. And in fact, I’m not even going to break down to you the stuff that went down in relation to this day because you’ll probably pop your eyes out and disconnect them from your brain.  I’m really trying to figure out what exactly the aim of this event even was..? I put on Fixing Barbie events because I want to encourage you, I want you to identify yourself in whatever embarrassing or amazing things I’ve been through so you know you’re not alone. I want you to leave ready to write your future and scrub out anything that tries to erase it. What was Oraclez actually for? Don’t tell me ‘for people to come and ‘worship’. I’m so sick of hearing that, when will we understand WORSHIP IS A CONTINUED WAY OF LIFE?

I was supposed to get paid for today, but I decided that I didn’t want the money, ‘coz it’s not money my hands would feel comfortable to have nor my spirit to hold. If I took payment I would have felt like I prostituted my gift (gave sex away with no love but cash instead : gave some poetry with no REAL connection with anyone but cash and recognition instead).

‘So what does this mean for you? You’re an artist right? and a Christian? So it should be your aim to events like this’…if that’s correct, then perhaps I’m not an artist.

‘But if you want to be successful with your stuff Michaela, you’re going to do things to get you recognised obviously’

I’m really struggling with the term success, if success is the amount of CD’s I sell, and the amount of money I make on church tours…then I don’t think I want to be that successful as a poet.

I’m an actor and a writer…my money will come from there…my reciting/performing, is different, I’m not saying I DON’T want to make money from it, I already do, but what I’m saying is I need to connect with you, it’s what the whole of my works are founded on. It’s not founded on black misty sheets of shadowy smoke and artificial light

My light is NOT artificial

My light is Real

as is my faith in Abba Father.  For me, today was not my portion, and unless prostituting your self-worth and talent comes into fashion in God’s wardrobe I intend to not make a repeat of it. I felt like a monkey doing show tunes and ooo look! It juggles too.

The concept of American Gospel Artists doing an event on the same stage as me is not something that excites me or moves me in the slightest unless their work has touched me (i.e. Lisa McClendon, Sunny Hawkins)…I’d rather speak the same word to 10,000 at a secular event any day of my whole whopping lifetime.

Big respect to all the artists who did their thing, I hope you don’t think my words are trying to make you feel like your inadequate or something, not at all…this is just me, and as you already know…I’m ‘different’ anyway.

Whoever was in charge did a very good job at escaping the erruptions of the harvest he/she had sown for themselves. I got home to text messages, phone calls and emails from arrays of people who had spent the evening demanding their money back, they were promised over 15 American Arists and they only got 2! They paid hard-earned MONEY to be there, and technically; these people were deceived. I heard the ques of disappointed ticket holders were looking for whoever was in charge of this ‘confusion’ (as someone put it) but there was no one to be found

Well…all I know is God is not the author, producer or director of confusion. So who is?

(oh look…I’ve stopped crying :o)

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43 Responses to “After Oraclez.”

  1. Andy Gray June 3, 2010 at 7:35 pm #

    Hey,

    It’s true… but next time take the money and ill give it to African Child Trust :0)

    mad love

    Andy

  2. Emma June 3, 2010 at 2:41 pm #

    True talk

  3. Alan Higgins June 3, 2010 at 9:59 am #

    Saw this apology from Militant Movement regarding Flame not being able to make it to the Round 2 Anhillation concert and thought, this is how you should do it. Maybe Oraclez cam learn a thing or two

    “Official Statement from Militant Movement
    Dear Friends,
    It is with great sadness that we are announcing that the Flame will not be appearing in the Uk at the Annihilation tour this weekend.Militant Movement has been informed today (at early hours of 1-40am 3/6/2010 to release information) we recieved information that due to illness in Flames family that has resulted in a hospitalization, Flame is unable to attend the European tour. Militant Movement is still hosting the Annihilation concert in Birmingham and London with all of the artists and new direction crew,etizz except the Flame, we will be holding a special time of prayer for the Flame and his family. We are rescheduling for the Flame to come over. For those of you who have purchased tickets and want a refund please call Militant Movement on 07922969921, militant_movement@hotmail.co.uk Refunds must be requested and collected before the concert starts.

    now 6 pound on the door instead of 10pound “

  4. Sybz June 2, 2010 at 2:16 pm #

    The lights all around you may have been artificial but I truly felt that yrs was genuine and pure, coming from a heavenly source.

    You were brave and courageous to perform in the way that you did.

    This so called
    gospel scene is a mixed and varied one, we’re all learning and growing, and things arent like wat they outta be, but we make up the Body, we make up the eyes that see, and ears that hear so let us all be responsible for our own actions, and pray for our brothers and sis…..Ive kinda lost my train of thought but basically thank you.
    God Bless you.

    Keep loving Him. Keep walking with Him.
    Blessings x

  5. Michaelatheminister June 2, 2010 at 1:09 pm #

    Michaela, I would love to meet up and talk with you. I love what God Himself has placed within your heart.
    my name is Michaela also and our spirits are so similar it amazes me. I’d love to do a collaboration with you whether it be thru singing and/or poetry.

    Hit me up when u get the chance!

  6. Maya Simeon June 2, 2010 at 10:14 am #

    *nodding head*
    *applauding*
    *love*
    ;0) xox

  7. Nadine Lee June 2, 2010 at 12:33 am #

    Hey Michaela

    WoW is what I can say.

    1. Knowing why you do something is important!

    2. No matter where you are let your light shine.

    3. The gospel world is not a place for fame and fortune and sometimes we all get carried away. Staying close and true to God is the best way forward.

    You are a beautiful person and I’m blessed by you.

    Be encouraged

  8. JessiKa June 1, 2010 at 7:19 pm #

    the light was artificial!!! thats it!!! k this blog is so on point.. x

  9. Sophie-Marie June 1, 2010 at 6:30 pm #

    We need more ‘truthful’ people like you. God Bless!

  10. Alan Higgins June 1, 2010 at 6:09 pm #

    Michaela, they have made a statement on http://www.oraclez.com whcih to me doesnt excuse anything like letting people know that artists were not turning up. They cold have advised them via FB or Twitter. Anyway, in case they change the page

    “Oraclez World Gospel Festival, 31 May 2010, Wembley Arena

    Pure Genius Entertainment and everyone involved in the Oraclez Gospel Festival would like to say a resounding thank you to everyone who supported the event at Wembley Arena, 31 May 2010.

    It is no secret that the resulting line-up was not quite what we had planned or envisaged, which we know led to disappointment for many people. We truly regret any inconvenience or upset this caused. However, the reasons for the severely reduced line up are many and just as disappointing for the team.

    Despite all of this, we have been humbled by the positive response we have already received from many of those who actually attended the show.

    We would therefore, like to say an heart felt thanks to everyone who attended the show and have taken the trouble to send through their comments.”

  11. Andrew June 1, 2010 at 5:25 pm #

    what can i say the truth hurts im glad you made that stand, I got the call twice to play but God had other ideas welcome to the so called gospel scene. Follow the bible and not peoples opinions

  12. anon June 1, 2010 at 3:13 pm #

    Hey Michaela! Despite the fact that you may have felt disjointed in this place, as christians i suppose we are also called to go into those uncomfortable places and ‘the church’ is not completely free from the craziness that goes on in the world (unfortunately). I hope and pray that the people who have gone to this event, ( who would have been coming from all types of backgrounds) would have listened…i mean really listened to the things the Holy Spirit would have been speaking through you, (and others) during the event. I suppose not everyone is gonna do things in the way you do, or the way you believe God would have liked things done. God uses everything to his glory so continue to pray for those organisers etc and that they and others will get real revelations of who God really is/what God expects from us as Christians. Stay encouraged sis.

  13. danieljblyden June 1, 2010 at 2:00 pm #

    I couldn’t agree more with this blog, I was very disappointed in the whole atmosphere of the concert and a lot of it could have been avoided if the organisers of the concert just kept it real from the beginning and dropped the whole charade.

    It’s all part of a learning process though Michaela, you will grow from strength to strength and understand a little deeper what God has called you to do. For what it’s worth I thought your ministry was great, keep doing what you’re doing.

  14. CharChar June 1, 2010 at 1:47 pm #

    Bless you for writing this…I love your honesty! Some of the people that put on these events may not have the right reasons for doing it, thats not your problem. YOU know why you were there, GOD knows why you were there. You DID belong there…those that needed to hear you were there…some people wont step foot in a church but they came….to Wembley Arena to hear these “Americanised artists” but THEY HEARD YOU!

    EVERY WHERE YOU PERFORM…YOU WERE MEANT TO BE THERE…dont stop. God bless you babe.

    CharChar x

  15. Adam June 1, 2010 at 11:50 am #

    I love your honesty. What else is there to say…. Many a lesson can be learned from your words. You dare to be different and that is why God will use you.

    Don’t change. Ever!

  16. dot bunmi June 1, 2010 at 11:50 am #

    I was supposed to get paid for today, but I decided that I didn’t want the money, ‘coz it’s not money my hands would feel comfortable to have nor my spirit to hold. If I took payment I would have felt like I prostituted my gift (gave sex away with no love but cash instead : gave some poetry with no REAL connection with anyone but cash and recognition instead).” ………..
    these words brought tears to my eyes … im glad you’ve seen this …not many people do …

  17. Wizdom GreenJade June 1, 2010 at 11:25 am #

    I stopped going to these events after Winans Phase 2 and it seems like nothing has changed other than the name of the promoters!
    I hope that people will understand from this that we in the UK cannot simply take on American Cultural Christian and say that is what success looks like, just because thousands of people turn up. That’s what happened with VCC!
    I don’t know you personally but I can relate to this kind of experience which is why GreenJade left the gospel wold to perform in schools and do something with our faith that could actually make a difference in peoples lives.
    Success for us as Christian artists with a ministry (there are Christian artist who do not have a ministry and that is cool in my eyes)our focus must be on accomplishing the task God has set for us, not selling millions of records or having thousands of people scream your name, if that is not what he has told us would happen. I hear your heart sis and as an artist, I believe it to be the heart of God.
    To any audience members who went and were blessed by the event, praise God but the perspective of the servant (performer) is very different when you know that you gave was not the best of the God in you.
    God bless you sis. Grow to know YOUR audience and serve them with the gifts he has blessed you with.

    Wiz

  18. Isabelle Weerawardena June 1, 2010 at 11:11 am #

    Love the honesty…

    God bless x

  19. Shadrach Stone June 1, 2010 at 10:32 am #

    This blog was amazing……To be honest i thought you was amazing at Oracles but then i suppose it is about your motives and knowing what you are going to do there and the intent of the event….I have to Thank you and Say a GOD BLESS YOU for this….because it has brought me to the realization of understanding who i am actually in the ministry for….”If your thirst is for people to celebrate you, instead of God, then as an artist you would be thirsting for the wrong thing”…….Thank YOu once again Michaela Da Poet….I am a fan not only of your ministry but of your humility and your intentions of your great work in Gods house remembering the God of the work!!!!

    Bare Love

    Shadrach *Nana KAY* Stone

  20. Golden June 1, 2010 at 10:26 am #

    Michaela!! 🙂

    Love your work and you’re definately an inspiration to me in terms of the poetry and your amazing personality!

    I thank you for taking the art of poetry to the masses and the fact that people listen and can relate is honourable!

    Stay true to you, being a poet is a lifestlye and alot of the time these mainstream events do not cater to the core of your being and as much as you feel the difference in the atmosphere you can only be you. I’m SURE someone could FEEL that but I do understand the disheartening disconnection with the event/atmosphere…

    Poetry is like pealing a scab, exposing all – real, true, raw emotion…

    I’ll ‘mmm’ and ‘yesss’ same way cos I FEEL it! lol 🙂

    Much love,

    Golden xx

  21. Supanova June 1, 2010 at 9:55 am #

    Wow, thank you for your honesty.

  22. Pastor Jacqui June 1, 2010 at 8:26 am #

    Hey God Chaser!!!

    Where there is so much corruption happening all in the name of Christ amongst gospel celebrities, it is refreshing to hear of one who will stand publicly and say ‘count me out’ cos I’m in this for Christ.

    Standing for Christ, in Truth, Right – ness and longing to not only know His will but to do it also is not a popular sight. Thank you for daring to stand out not just as Michaela but more importantly for Christ.

    With love

    Auntie J xx

  23. Big Sis June 1, 2010 at 5:35 am #

    Very proud of you for all that you do and for staying true to yourself. We’ve spoken and I felt the same way you did at that concert from the audience. I’m glad that you’re discerning and allow your Spirit-man to talk to you when he so needs to. Your intentions and honesty, despite the negative onslaught they might face is very refreshing to see, especially in a world where impressing people and “rank” are so paramount. Love ya lots and always be true to who God has called you to be and what He has called you to do. xxx

  24. T June 1, 2010 at 4:15 am #

    Hey Michaela, just read your blog and all I have to say is wow.

    Listen, just continue to be who you are and who God has called you to be. Simple as. Don’t limit yourself. Let your God-given gift go beyond what you think is the ‘done thing’.

    There’s a wide world out there that needs to hear about the goodness of God and it’s obvious that your poetry/ acting and writing is doing just that in many different ways. So just keep walking the walk girlie and God will fix it 🙂

    T

  25. Mr Quadosh June 1, 2010 at 2:35 am #

    I hear you Michaela and I’m sympathetic with you about the way you feel. I’m sure you know I’m a fan of your work and I was told that your performance was great, well done(I didn’t get to see it cos I came late).
    However, just the same way that you are different, I also have a different point of view to the ones you’ve expressed. This is your blog so feel free to delete this if you don’t want my comment up here.
    I’ll start by saying everyone is FULLY entitled to their own opinion.
    Isn’t it interesting how 2 people can go to a concert under the same anointing and have different experiences(I know your experience was from a performer’s view, and mine was that of an audience but I think you can still draw some parallel).

    I think your comment, though it came from the heart, it sounded a bit negative towards the event and the organisers. and I must say that I definitely connected with God at this event and with everyone that came on stage. As a believer, my going there was not to watch face or be noticed, I went there to praise and to worship God concert style and if that was the plan of the organisers, i’m glad to say that was what I got. Even though it was disappointing not having all the artistes they promised, I did my best to connect with the two acts from the US that they brought(Fred Hammond, Bebe and Cece Winans). The organiser also apologised during the show and explained why the artistes didn’t come. That gave me a bit of comfort to Know they at least care.

    You said you felt like “I’ve abused myself, and I think that’s why I’m crying, my spirit-man didn’t like what I was doing (or where I was doing it, or the framework I was doing it in), and I have done myself wrong.”
    – I don’t really understand why you feel this way but I pray that you can find strength in the Father and continue to go forward in fulfilling your
    ministry.
    If my comment seem a bit disjointed
    , its probably because I’m really tired!

    Lot of love.
    Dayo

  26. Stephen stevie-b Bennett June 1, 2010 at 1:32 am #

    Hey Lovely Lady, Let me just say this… Stay true, stay on point and dont compromise or conform to the things that “Gospel Industry” has to offer… This is just a lesson showing you the realness of what the “Gospel Industry” has to offer. God knowes and hears your tears… I believe God is not happy with what i going on… But stay true to his word. Stay encouraged hun.. Love you!

  27. Anon. June 1, 2010 at 1:21 am #

    Thanks for keeping it real. You’re an inspiration. Stay true to your calling and keep on doing what you’re called out to do. Have always had similar thoughts when I’m on a big stage with all the lights focussed on me, with no ‘connectedness’, and supposed to be sharing the Gospel. The question is ‘sharing the gospel with whom’. 2 US artistes out of over 10 promised. Come on people!!

  28. Breeny June 1, 2010 at 1:17 am #

    Deep Michaela deep!,
    i can’t fathem how real you are like dudee!!
    Other artist woulda said nothing because of pride but wow Michaela God bless you like seriously xx

  29. Name June 1, 2010 at 1:12 am #

    As you stopped, I began. This is also why I hardly go to a Sunday Church in London anymore. Just small nomadic fellowships. Write on.

  30. Tope Chiedozie June 1, 2010 at 1:05 am #

    Love your Honesty ,sincerity and ..well…just YOU!:)

  31. Christophe June 1, 2010 at 1:04 am #

    Hey hun, I had a chat with you tonight and I know you already know what I think but I still want to go on record as saying, “You are the realest christian artiste I have ever met. Please don’t ever change…”

    Big Hug. I got your back!

  32. Brother A June 1, 2010 at 12:54 am #

    AMAZING
    AMAZING
    AMAZING

    REAL
    REAL
    REAL

    CONTINUE TO BE TRANSPARENT…..ALL GLORY TO GOD!

  33. Michaelangelo June 1, 2010 at 12:24 am #

    Hey Michaela, like urself I am also an ‘artist’. Recently I experienced something similar to what u went thru where I felt extremely outta place and this was felt along the entire group that I am in, after the performance we was given a handful of gratitude and praise saying it was touching but there was an element missing within me, and my brothers. Before this event a gospel artist spoke to us and said we shud pray before every event and take it into deep consideration whether to perform, so just to give u advice (not saying that u dnt, otherwise u wouldn’t have gotten to ur position already) make sure that the word of God is spoken to u before making a move. Many artist just rush on stage but it’s only a few that express this factor, hopefully many can be assisted from this blog aswell just the same way I have

  34. Erika M June 1, 2010 at 12:13 am #

    you have no idea how much i’ve learnt from this post. Michaela your an inspiration

  35. kathical mathematical May 31, 2010 at 11:59 pm #

    So, this even goes into the lessons learnt archive of ur life! You should still feel happy about the fact u were considered “good enough” to perform on stage at wembley- I mean, for a lot of artists that’s the dream. But you are too REAL, you’re in it for love, change and most of all God-and for you, Gods presence wasn’t there-it may have been for other artists. You’re too humble aswell. You’re heart will never stop being that if little mucky yellow bird-and that’s beautiful. Crying is good, stop trying to stop! Get more rest 🙂 rest is best 😉 xxxxxx

  36. Coco May 31, 2010 at 11:50 pm #

    On Oraclez – eeek :/ 😦

    p.s. – I love “Love Is..”. Amazing.

    You have an awesome anointing on your life. Very inspiring.
    May He get every last drop of His Glory out of you!

    x

  37. Ebinehita Funke Ibojie May 31, 2010 at 11:50 pm #

    Micahela i feel you so much on this..

    i didnt really know much about the event, but i understand what your saying about worship being a continued way of life!! its not a “one-night stand” so to speak…

    God bless u for your honesty girl, you are a light and inspire me so much, keep doing YOUR thing!!!

    xxx

  38. Atim May 31, 2010 at 11:48 pm #

    Hey Michaela.

    This is such an honest piece. I’m so happy to see that your spirit was not in agreement with certain things, I’m too am learning to be led and if something isn’t right in my spirit, or don’t hav peace about it then its not for me.

    May you continue to shine girl! Ur doing ur thang!

    Stay blessed!

  39. Karl Nova May 31, 2010 at 11:41 pm #

    I totally empathize with this post

    welcome to the gospel world

    I keep telling folks it isn’t what they think it is.

    God is with you

  40. Toby Iyan May 31, 2010 at 11:38 pm #

    Sorry to hear it didn’t go down like you had hoped!

    You didn’t accepted your hard earned money? because of your views, that’s very rare in a person – that’s REALLY keeping it ‘real’.

    It’s an interesting term ‘success’, very controversial, I just think we have to be real with ourselves and we have a general view/belief we have to stick to it no matter how high the stakes, I personally know what I consider success but I’m very sure people will/have disagreed with me.

    p.s – I love your diaries keep writing them they’re brilliant & inspiring.

  41. Liz May 31, 2010 at 11:32 pm #

    Oh thank God you actually stopped and thought about why you were doing what you were doing and not carried away with the fame and money. Love your different-ness and honesty. It’s so refreshing. God bless you really 🙂

    • Michael Douglas June 2, 2010 at 5:13 pm #

      WOW!!! What more can I say – I couldn’t put it any better myself. I too was at Oraclez, and I too had that geeling that made you feel that way. The fact is, this wasn’t about praise/worship; it was entertainment for a Christian audience. Nothing against the other artists (I believe they were all sincere in praising through their performance), but as an event the focus was not correct – like you said what was the purpose of this event???

      First time hearing you minister (not perform!), never met you, but I love you with a perfect love! Love what you’re about and love the direction that you’re heading in.

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