Drama School Diaries (DSD) Part 28

27 Sep

I’ve been at school for 2 weeks already…I just haven’t blogged because I was finding it really hard to put into words how I’ve been finding 2nd year..

2nd year..the one in between the 1st and the 3rd…yep

First week was TV…85% boring, especially when you’ve put it in your head that you’re not a good TV actor and you will NEVER do tv/film..TV week suddenly seems 85% pointless. Then 2nd week we got into the meat of everything; acrobatics, tumbling,show dance, shakespeare, singing lessons, it’s all popping off now, and I’m really enjoying..

but…

Remember in DSD 26? The feedback from the teacher? Although my blog helped me deal with it temporarily, I’m only now realising the damage his words (or the way I’m dealing with his words) have caused. Drama school is funny because the majority of their ‘nuggets of wisdom’ are taken from the bible; yep that same book that some teachers deem as a sweet fictional story; that one.

Life and death are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21) I hear a rendition of that one a lot…

Now..if life and death are in the power of the tongue…

when words are spoken they can either kill what’s there and birth something new inside of you, or birth something new inside of you that co exists besides what was already there. And since unholiness is infectious (Haggai 2:13-15) if positive and negative words co exist with each other; the negative one will eventually seep into the positive one qualifying them as the same.

When the situation in DSD 26 happened, it’s looking like his words killed what wass there and birthed something new inside of me, or co-existed with what was inside of me and is now slowly seeping into the precious words that were already there. I used to think my personality and character were okay (not perfect); I thought I was positive, giving, loving, now I feel like I need to change; I need to be less angry, less aggressive..and when in reality you are NOT either of those things in the first place..you tip to the other side of the spectrum (withdrawn).

I think it has a lot to do with rejection..I have major issues with rejection (if you read my diaries…you’ll be fully aware of that lol), even from when I was young and my dad would send my phone calls straight to voicemail, when I never got picked for the netball teams, or asked to dance at the raves, or chirpsed in dalston market (I was always the side bredrin lol…u know? The one that blocks the guy from accomplishing his mission?..it’s always been there, I get a feeling in my stomach even when I’m REMINDED of rejection.

So now in school some part of me is completely withdrawn, not just because of DSD 26, but due to stuff that happened in between then and now…and when it comes to ‘acting’, right now I feel like I’m coming to the understanding that I’m just not that ‘gifted’ at drama…not a big deal, the training is fun, I will learn all I can and just apply it to my life no matter what I do!

…I know this is the wrong view to have. I just look at the chances of me being ‘successful’ and only naiveness could tell me ‘it’s obvious you’ll go far’. On friday in the middle of project rehearsal I left in tears..how embarrassingly awful..I just feel rubbish at everything, I feel absolutely INCAPABLE of EVER being good at this…yet there is a distant memory of me auditioning for drama school last year..and feeling like I was TALENTED, GIFTED, UNIQUE…RARE….those feelings have gone now; I NEED TO GET THEM BACK!

and I know….get over it Michaela, it happens to everyone

and I know…that some people take on the coat of an enemy of progress…

and I know…if you’re like that now, how are you going to survive in this profession?

and I know..the Christian ‘who’s report will you believe’ slogan is practically plastered on my wall

and I know…sticks and stones may break my bones but words…

they can kill you.

So now I have to start listening to my Father for new words, words that will kill what DSD 26 put in my heart and give birth to something new again. I’m finding it hard.

That’s it.

The the end of today’s blog..no resolution, no inspirational bite…you lot know I’m real with you so I’m not gonna pretend I have a resolution I straight up don’t. In fact, I’ll leave the forum open, how do you handle this sort of thing when it happens to you? Maybe your words will help the rest of us!

Love you,

oh p.s; I’m nominated for an award, not too too fussed about it, but someone on my fan page sent me a message and they were actually angry that I didn’t send out a message about it, I felt so bad..if you wanna actively show support, vote for me at http://www.gmauk.org

Michaela

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6 Responses to “Drama School Diaries (DSD) Part 28”

  1. Dgirl September 29, 2010 at 7:13 am #

    I was reading this yesterday and was thinking about your question: how do you handle this sort of thing when it happens to you?
    I guess for me it’s changed over the years. I was raised by my mum, born in London then from the age of 7 we lived in an area where there was really no cultural diversity to speak of. So I was constantly faced with messages speaking death into my life; about who I apparently was, what I could aspire to be etc etc. But I was also incredibly aware of how my mum sacrificed and struggled and worked hard to make a life for us: she was also fiercely protective over me. So when faced with with these damning life sucking words and actions I remember thinking “my mum hasn’t gone though all of this to raise me so that you could squash me with your words/actions, I’m not having it! And who are you anyway?” and in saying “who are you?” it wasn’t with arrogance, it was more about breaking it down…. Who are you to speak words into my life, you might be able to speak about last nights home work but you have no place to speak about what I can aspire to do with my life. If you don’t know your boundaries then I have to….. Same with bosses and peers etc… So that’s how I used to handle it…

    I think becoming a Christian has changed that somewhat for me because I more aware of the fact that every good thing in my life and about me, is not OF me. It’s by Gods grace. So I can’t really boast of anything (even personal qualities as basic as appearance) cos it’s all God and Christ’s work and saving grace. So it’s a weird irony because if someone says something bad about me even if they’ve crossed their boundaries (which I’m still aware of) it means I can be more accepting of it cos actually, me without Christ is rather rubbish, selfish, bitchy, ill disciplined and the list goes on. It’s only with Christ that I’m more able to display the qualities he has created me to display for his glory…… And on top of that I’m a work in progress!!! You know for me, this eases the pressure to be anything, relieves the burden to be seen in the way I see myself. …. I’m really unsure as to whether these words convey my meaning. I really hope they do. But this morning a got a txt from a good friend which I think has the same truth that allows me to be a bit more relaxed about these things:

    “Is this not part of the mystery that you are amazing and yet nothing, highly prized by our Creator and yet unprofitable to Him in many ways, in receipt of salvation and yet falling short of His glory, freed from sin and yet not perfect, rich and yet poor…Thank God for Jesus in whom all things hold together and there is no contradiction, only a beautiful mystery”

    Im very human so doesn’t mean to say I don’t get down about these things (usually I get outraged tho -lol) but this is how I handle them generally.

    I hope Micheala that you are encouraged in time and u will be edified by LOVE…

    X

  2. Your DSFairy September 27, 2010 at 12:00 pm #

    Where to start.
    Don’t let them convince you that they know who you are better than you do. Hear that sentance back, realise how ridiculous it is. Their opinion is just that, their opinion.
    You know, and everyone here knows, that you are talented, beautiful, vivacious and born to do this stuff. There will be some knocks along the way. It is a path we have choosen with the knowledge that 90% of our feedback on the journey will be negative, people not giving us the job, not quite being what they are looking for. You need to find a way to channel all the amazing strength I know you have into a way to cope with this and keep your head high. Know that you have people around you to help you find that strength or even if it comes to it just have a really good cry or bitching session. It may sound petty but trust me, it helps!
    Finally – If I ever hear you saying that you will not work on camera again I will come over there and beat some sense into you. Don’t shut out 95% of the work out there and also you’d be great at it so there!
    PS – It may sound silly to state, but believe it or not it IS worth it, I only say it having doubted it myself,but…. it IS worth it.

  3. Aleisha September 27, 2010 at 11:47 am #

    When I was smaller, some would say I’m still young now, my dad used to make me and my sister recite a bunch of scriptures and as we got older we started to get lazy with it and instead of being confessions over our lives daily, we’d just rush through them so we could go to bed. Now I’m a little older, only just understanding the severity of words, how they can be blessings and curses and what we failed to realise was that the words we spoke had protected us for a long time- and in a sense really had rooted us in our faith, so that one day we’d have foundations to go back to and explore and grow from. I go back to scriptures like Jeremiah 17: 5-8 and realise that as daddy had taught us, we really are trees planted by the waters. Whenever I think of this, the main image that comes into my head is that, rivers, like life aren’t always calm tranquil places. But the fact God has planted us there means there’s a purpose and I believe the purpose aside from a tree needing nutrients from the water, is that we, the tree lol, gain some kind of resilience to the rapid speed at which this world can throw a lot of negativity at us. The dryin’ ‘heat’ may come and try and suck away your vitality, your ‘you-ness’, but He promises that your leaf will be green and you won’t stop ‘yielding fruit’. I hope you’ve kinda caught on to what I’m trying to say=) basically keep planting the seeds He’s give us to plant in our lives Psalms 1:1-3, His word assured us that we won’t wither from what we go through even though it might hurt, there’s no doubt in the fact that you ‘shall prosper’

    …Excuse my essay, i’m sorreh! x

  4. Kathapilla September 27, 2010 at 10:57 am #

    It’s kinda positive to feel like this…if you went into lessons with the arrogant belief that you’re already good at what the lesson has to offer, then what is the lesson offering you? Why are you at DS and not already doing your thing? They’re stripping you bare, and I can’t imagine how invasive that is..but they’re doing it for a reason. Keep venting, it’s healthy.

    Love you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  5. khayz September 27, 2010 at 10:19 am #

    i love u because you are real girl. well my 50p input is, when we have such crap days and everything just dont make sense look at the bright side girl, u got such a gift and its unique the way u do poetry man its unique, so for now let that be your strength for each day. and even if u think u not good at drama well u already in 2nd year no turning so i say have a laugh good or bad in it just laugh at yourself it does help sometimes!

    its not easy but hope i make sense. anyway we your fans think u rock and are sooooo amazing eh! so as long as u wont wake up thinking u not good at poetry, then we have a problem in our hands!!!!!

    love u lots.
    khayz

  6. Amby Phresh September 27, 2010 at 9:33 am #

    If only we could all see ourselves how those that love us see us. We would have no doubts about the talent and gifts that lie within us.

    If only you could see yourself how we all see you. How I see you. How God sees you.

    From the start, we are all one in a million. Millions of sperm raced to fertilise the egg you came from, but only one could win. You are that one. That alone makes you special.

    There will always be nay sayers and so called ‘enemies of progress’. The skill in dealing with them comes when you can take whatever goodness is within their words and use it to improve yourself but keep the negative in their words away from you. Self reflection and evaluation is a wonderful thing, but self demolition and destruction is not.

    Remember to say nice things to yourself! ❤

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