Drama School Diaries (DSD) Part 29

10 Oct

Hey Guys!

Hope everyone’s doing well, and that you’re week has been even better than the week you had before you read my last Diary.

Mine has been. Resolution. I decided last week to actively make my thoughts about school positive (which is HARD) but I did, and things have been so much better, I’ve enjoyed classes more, and I’m just over the shock of being..BACK.

You know the teacher I mentioned (more like wrote an 8000 word essay on) in my last few diaries?  Well, another teacher and I ended up chatting for an hour and it got deep so I brought it up…she warned me that when talking to men and addressing a ‘problem’ you have with them, you must be DIRECT and to the point, no fluffy round the round about over the hill stuff (and I’m a poet, so you know that’s hard). She said I should say that “A occurred, which left me feeling B, and I’d like to express that to you so you are aware”. She told me not to try and get him to see where he did wrong or apologise, she told me not to even get him to remotely ‘understand’ because it’s not likely he will.

So I decided to book in a meeting with DC. I walked in…feeling surprisingly calm actually. It went something like this

‘Last term you gave me feedback, your feedback affected me negatively and it’s now affecting my work in school and my relationship with you. I figured I should tell you so you are aware’

At this point tears are already falling from my eyes; I don’t know what my problem is. I told DC to put my tears aside and listen to my words.

…Guess what…?

DC couldn’t even remember what he said.

I told him what he said (angry aggressive negative), he said rather loudly ‘NO! I don’t think that!’

My mind went blank..

‘Perhaps I meant that sometimes you come across as passive aggressive’

I said, ‘oh okay, had you said that I would have had a greater understanding during your feedback. Can you tell me the situations where I’ve seemed passive aggressive so I can assess them for myself?’

His mind went blank…

He then got out his ‘teacher file’ thing and began to read me feedback he’d written over the year; ‘passionate, good energy, specific, purposeful, watchable..and in between those words was passive aggressive’.

Life and Death really are in the power of the tongue; last term he just flung the words out like a dog shaking water off its back. He couldn’t even remember giving me that feedback. And hearing the feedback he’d  actually written did help. He APOLOGISED, (not for saying what he couldn’t remember; that’d be silly), but for the fact that whatever he said had affected me so much. He opened his arms and gave me what appeared to be, and felt like a genuine hug.

Done. Dusted. And guess what…I feel better.

Now the problem that remains for next time: I need to learn how to get to a place of feeling better that’s independent of someone else’s approval! I need God’s approval of me, and MY approval of myself to GET ME BACK UP! TO AVOID ME GOING DOWN!

Those who read my previous blog who found they were going through the same thing- I hope SOMETHING in this blog has helped you. All I can say is as I try to rid myself of the pressure I feel from the expectations of others I pray you do the same. As I try to keep myself together and stop falling apart the moment I’m confronted with anything with substance, I hope you do the same. As I seek to find my own ability to affirm myself and believe what I declare, I implore you to do the same.

With Love,

Michaela

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2 Responses to “Drama School Diaries (DSD) Part 29”

  1. Rachel Okay October 10, 2010 at 11:36 pm #

    :O)

    • Uncle Rob October 11, 2010 at 12:25 am #

      Hi Michaela
      Glad you got some resolution to this, especially after we chatted at Intimates a few weeks back. I guess one thing it shows is that we can let people have power over us only when we let them. Dude had you thinking about this for a while, and yet it meant nothing to him because he couldn’t recollect it. Of course any people who intimidate or mentally abuse (which may not be the case here, but hopefully you understand my general sentiment) do so without constantly thinking about the consequences of their actions. And as receivers, we spend ages over analysing and worrying about how hurt or misunderstood we feel (we’re all sensitive poets after all!!), yet the originator isn’t even thinking about it or the person they intimidated/abused. It’s down to us to release ourselves from mental abuses/guilts/pain that others inflict on us, and know the beauty inside us, and the genuine caring person that we have inside us is what shines, and that it is good…and in the long run is why we will be humble and succeed.
      Hope that makes some sense (it’s late and I could be talking drivel!!)
      Remember….when they demand of your inner core….let them think they have it from you, but your inner you and truths never have to be given to those who do not have the right to ask them of you, no matter what qualifications or positions of power they hold.
      🙂

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