Whilst Tidying My Bedroom…

26 Feb

Today I had a proper clean up! You those ones where it’s not just about cleaning the corners, folding the clothes away, and hoovering the floor? It’s the INTENSE clean up- going through every drawer and box in my room, inspecting the back of my wardrobe and looking under my bed so hard I thought I’d get lost under there forever.

I found so many things and thought I’d just share with you what I found…

Diet Pills I bought online and used to take methodologically in 2007 & 2008 whilst I was at university. Guvna B tried to get me to stop taking them by forcing like 30 of them in my mouth at one time, and I did stop..but I kept like 5 bottles spare..I found those today.

My ex boyfriends student ID card; the guy I lost my virginity to in 2005. I remember when I broke up with him, it was around the time that I was ‘trying’ to find out about this God thing, and I knew that being with him would be a hindrance rather than a help, I was crying my eyes out as I saw him off to the bus stop, and when the 67 bus to Wood Green finally arrived, he gave me this ID Card.

Scrap papers of poems I’d written and songs that I was too scared to sing

I found letters one of my secondary school best mates and I used to write to each other, we wrote about what we thought of other people, about boys, our love of sex (though none of us had ever done it) and even a little bit about God.

A card by Guvna B/ Isaac with an EXTREMELY long letter inside given to me at 2am in the morning sometime many years ago.

About 200 Birthday cards all received between 2007 and 2009 with beautiful notes like ‘I am so blessed to have you around for life’, birthday notes so nice I just never threw them away.

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I looked at all these things…then threw away  the Birthday cards without a thought.

Why…?

The people that noted things like ‘A phone call away for life M!’ and all that sorta stuff…well I haven’t spoken to them in about 2 years, I felt no emotional attachment to those cards whatsoever and I was actually surprised that I  must have done before. Showed me what a weird place I was at in my life back then. In 08′ & ’07 I found myself doing things that I NEVER would have done, even before I opened up to God. I was depressed and looking back, I wasn’t really myself, so these people weren’t making friends with me, they were befriending an image of someone I’d become, but the root of that person wasn’t connected to me; it was connected to sadness, pain and lonliness.

I kept everything else…why? The picture of my ex-boyfriend is my reminder that I’ve been celibate since, it’s also my reminder that I  am able to love a man romantically; I haven’t been in a relationship since, and after a while it can feel like that area of you has shut down lol.

I kept the diet pills because they’ve expired, and they absolutely STINK, and so did my head at the time that I bought them, it stunk with self-obsessive thoughts, vanity and insecurity, so I’m keeping those to remind me.

The letters remind me that I do love my friends from my youthful days, I will always love them; I haven’t seen or spoken to them in 2 and a half years and as my life becomes more and more crazy I forget about my past, because I’m too busy to remember, but as I read those notes my soul cried out for the “Bishop Girls” I used to roll with, and although I may never see them again, I’ll never loose compassion for them.

The card by Isaac Borquaye (also known as Guvna B) because in that letter he promised me something..and he has stuck to his promise, I sometimes take him for granted, and reading that letter makes me realise how much he’s grown into a man, how much of a best friend to me he really is, and the fact that he’s pretty much been the one constantly close earthling in my life.

I LOVE my history, it’s full of colour, of melodrama and craziness and I am not ashamed of it, in fact I take joy in it, and I’m proud of it, my history is infused all over my music and poetry, it’s scent is found in the empathy I have for others, in the understanding that I am NOTHING, I’m waste without the love of God..I love my past, it’s helped my future.

Hope this somehow helped whoever’s reading.

Michaela

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10 Responses to “Whilst Tidying My Bedroom…”

  1. Christophe Pierre April 5, 2011 at 8:19 pm #

    My favorite blogger goes in again! Painfully open, sarcastically funny and, as always, inspirational… Like she says “If you don’t know yet, you’re not meant to…” LOVE THIS BLOG!!!

  2. Emma March 3, 2011 at 7:27 pm #

    Its funny what an ugly little cycle you can get yourself in when it comes to diet pills. I would spend fortunes on holland and barrett looking for a cure. I would often lie to friends and family promising that I would stop taking them and about just how many I took. The tell you all the physical side effects of these things but not the mental side effects.

    Great post BTW.

  3. Shan February 26, 2011 at 11:14 pm #

    This is beautiful .. You’re so open with everything & after i read that for some unknown reason it’s like a breath of fresh air

  4. truthfully speaking... February 26, 2011 at 7:11 pm #

    I love how open you were and i can easyily relate. Loved it overall!

  5. Michael February 26, 2011 at 6:32 pm #

    Just read your Feb 26 post Michaela. This is just a little reminder that you’re a very special person… (as I’ve told you before 🙂 and good on you for staying off the diet pills!!!
    Michael

    • michaelathepoet February 26, 2011 at 7:29 pm #

      Miiiiiiiiichael!!!!!!
      This brought a smile to my face 😀

      • Michael March 10, 2011 at 10:32 pm #

        Are you alright Michaela? I’m worried about you. Let me know if you need a friendly ear.
        M.E.

  6. Gifty February 26, 2011 at 5:44 pm #

    I totally respect your uniqueness and the boldness that God has placed in you to speak the truth, i’m sure your post wil inspire another soul to do some soul cleaning and think deeply about their value in God.

  7. krphk February 26, 2011 at 5:32 pm #

    I liked the way you analysed the significance of each and every thing you wrote about. Too often we do things without second thought. Nice read.

  8. omo jesu February 26, 2011 at 4:02 pm #

    Keep Saying The Truth Micheala, interesting post

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